Respect those who loved. Respect those who lost. Respect the Dead.

You know, sometimes tragedy brings out the best in people, and unfortunately, the worst.

I recently lost one of my best friends - to a hugely aggressive and humbling form of cancer. Six weeks, I think it was? From diagnosis to death... 

I still can’t fathom that such a small thing, a two syllable word, can cause such immense pain, suffering and grief - but that is a post for another time and I digress - back to the best in people.

I had the unfortunate duty of telling the majority of people - some who didn’t know who I was – on the day that she died.

I received: shock; anger; wailing; denial; abuse, and most of all unbearably deep, deep sadness. It was quite probably, in utter truth, the worst four hours of my entire life - making those awful phone calls. What it did do was instill in me a faith that my friend was loved so desperately by so many. As I made those phone calls though, even in those moments of despair as I explained that:

a) she had been sick (she swore us to secrecy) and

b) that she was gone

People still took a moment to breath, and ask if I was okay.

Did I need anything? How was her family? What could they do to help me? Some people who were frozen in despair and couldn’t continue on the phone initially contacted me again - some minutes, some hours and others days later, to ask those same questions.

There were people who, in the moment of knowing the awful truth, took on my burden without hesitation. They offered to take names off my excruciatingly long list and be the barer of bad news on my behalf. The support, the love, was unfathomable, and carried me through the weeks and now months since we lost her.

Finding comfort in your loved ones in times like this is paramount, and recognizing that everyone shares their own version of the grief is so important.

Respect must be given for the manner in which people mourn, and respect must be given to the dead who were loved so dearly. I genuinely believe that you should show respect for the dead by acting towards the memory of them as you would have acted towards them if they were living.

So in regards to my point about respecting other's grief, what one must never do is belittle the feelings of others, display a lack of empathy for what fellow mourners are going through, and disrespect the wishes of the dead.

Unfortunately, my dear friend had someone close to her who did this. This person was her partner, who had displayed horrific behaviour in the weeks leading up to my friend's death. This behaviour ultimately resulted in my friend ending the relationship (much to our relief). This woman showed a complete lack of empathy for our grief. She turned up at the hospital and wouldn't leave, showing no respect for family who wanted time alone in the last precious hours. After her death she then went so far as to verbalise the claim that what we felt meant nothing in comparison to her feelings of loss. She stated, in writing, that the relationship we had with our friend meant nothing in the face of what she had with her. Even on the day of my friend’s death, because This Woman was not granted time to mourn alone with her body (as per my friend’s clear wishes), she felt it appropriate to send text messages belittling the relationship anyone else had with our friend. Even my friend’s parents were irrelevant in comparison - their loss was incomparable to hers.

And yes, I do think on a level that she loved my friend, but her behaviour showed a desire to possess and control her too - which is what ultimately lead to the relationship ending. So I think that the fact the relationship was over, and it'd been clearly communicated that she was not going to be acknowledged as a partner fueled her actions post death, to a point where they were unfathomable and horrifying.

Our friend had some deeply personal wishes about the circumstances of her death. Wishes she expressed to all of us and made abundantly clear. Wishes in relation to her private life, social media, her Will and her funeral. Her ex partner knew of these wishes, we all did. We'd either been told, or had them in writing. So it was with horror that we witnessed every single one of these wishes completely disregarded by this Woman - in some instances deliberately and joyfully disregarded (and I say joyfully because there was a few horrible things she did while smiling manically, it was almost scary to watch).  

I could write for days about the vile things that she did to my friend, my friend's closest friends and parents, and indeed I have diarised it all - I regularly read it to remind myself when people question why we have all decided to 'hate' this woman so much.

So, in the face of these violations, which occurred before her death, on the day and beyond, those of us who loved her and knew her better than anyone stood tall and were more determined than ever to abide by the instructions given to us by our dear friend - even in the face of the anger and hate we were incurring from this Woman. 

We were determined to deliver her the short, funny, casual funeral she never wanted and encourage no wearing of black. We were determined to acknowledge only those that she wished be acknowledged. And we were determined to remain as respectful of her privacy post death, as we were pre death.

Everyone abided by that of course – except This Woman. She posted publications in newspapers proclaiming information about my friend’s private life, something my friend had vehemently argued with her about for the length of their tumultuous relationship. This Woman’s family also followed suit, publishing similar proclamations (although I don't blame them - they didn't have anyone around to tell them the truth). This woman turned up dressed in top to toe black to the funeral, and reacted physically during the service when she wasn’t highlighted above all others.

A member of This Woman’s family actually struck one of us at the funeral with her walking cane, in response to the fact This Woman wasn’t acknowledged  – imagine that… HITTING someone who was grieving for her best friend, as she walked out of that friend’s funeral?

This really happened.

This Woman demanded access to window-shop through my friends home and help herself to everything in there that she felt she “had a right to take,” and became abusive and physically threatening when her request was denied (and was stupid enough to do it via text message – hello police!). Even after this we still gave her the opportunity to provide a list of what she would like and we packed it for her - making sure we found everything on her list, and had it delivered to an address of her choice – not many people would have had the compassion to do this in the face of such appalling behaviour.

She stole an item that my friend donated to our local sporting club, and kept it for herself.


She took photos of my friend in her final moments, and posted one of the photos on social media. - even though our friend despised social media and described it as "a violation of privacy." I'll admit when this happened I had a mental break and sought to harm this woman physically, and it was lucky that when I arrived where I thought she was going to be that she had not turned up (lucky for me, I don't need an assault record).

Months after the death she continued to harass the grieving family, demanding access to the Will, ringing the lawyers and making up stories about promises she claims were made to her by my friend (she also now claims the breakup never happened too *sigh*).

And now finally the estate is settled, and people are now asking 'why all the hate?' What did she do to deserve all this? And because, out of respect for our friend's privacy, we've kept quiet about the horrible truth we're now seen as the bad guys, because this Woman tells anyone who'll listen what 'we've done to her,' and that 'she can't understand why.'

So while writing this has been extremely cathartic for me, I wonder if she’ll ever see it? I know enough of text-book narcissists and borderline psychopaths to recognize she’ll never take accountability or understand why her actions have been so vile and unfathomable to everyone who was close to my friend. Indeed the people who still talk to her are the one's who weren't close enough to know the whole truth. It is to those people that she continues to lie to and say she is being treated unfairly, and that she has no idea why “we’ve” done this to her. It will continue, on and on and on.

And while it does, we cannot truly grieve.

For how can you when you get anxiety so bad you throw up before you know you have to see her? When you get heart palpitations and an anger so consuming that you know if you see her you may do something you’ll regret?

It comes down to respect - respect for the dead and respect for those who grieve. I should be allowed to grieve for my friend without the anxiety of not knowing what else will be said to me about it, what other opinions will be formed with not an ounce of truth. I just want it to end. I want this woman to go away, far away and leave us all alone. I don't want a whisper of her, I just want silence. So I can grieve.

Thank you.


*Please note, updated January 2013, one year on.