The Martha Stewart Watch Your Back Series: Project Herb

Watch your back, Martha!

So this next post is going to be part of an ongoing series where I display my incredible skills as a housewife and DIY expert.

Sound convincing, don’t I?

Truth be told, I am a DISASTER at all things ‘housewife,’ and as for DIY? Well, there was once a time I tried to repair a digital camera (I dropped it during a drunken escapade), by the time my sister got home I was sitting in a pile of small metal parts, two broken screwdrivers and a blunt knife on my lap, crying into my wine…

PROJECT HERB!

So, let me present for you today the tale of how I went about Project Herb, and what you can learn from my incompetence (although I have to say the final product does look pretty good).

Some background information… the seeds for Project Herb were planted (see what I did there?) some time ago when I attended a friend’s housewarming. On his patio were these two fabulous herb gardens full to bursting with delicious, green herbs. Now, I’m not a great cook but wherever I can I cook with fresh herbs. I am going to blame Jamie Oliver for that, as well as for the fact that whenever I'm cooking alone I pretend I’m on my own cooking show and teach my pugs (the audience) how to cook, all performed with an English accent…

My friend Scott's Herb Garden.

So back to Project Herb: for Christmas my fiancé (who I shall call BaseballBoy - he is obsessed), and I received some Bunnings Vouchers. Bunnings is an Australian super hardware chain with everything you could possibly need for DIY - inside and out. BaseballBoy wanted to spend it all on tools, equipment and miscellaneous junk. I wanted a herb garden that was just like the one my friend had!  I won the argument primarily because I hid the vouchers and held them hostage until he agreed to support the enterprise - I needed his help you see, I am truly hopeless. So without further ado here is my step-by-step guide on how to make a really cool herb garden.

STEP 1: Argue with the fiancé over where to buy the actual receptacle for the herb garden.

So we went all the way to Bunnings, because I was convinced that was where my friend had told me he got his Plant Stand from. When we got there however… BANANAS. And by ‘bananas,’ I mean NOTHING. At this point BaseballBoy begins to insist that it was actually Ikea that they got them from, and that I’m a terrible friend who doesn’t listen. This accusation prompted me to text said friend, who informed me that we were both wrong, and he actually got them off eBay. Epic fail! So we compromised and headed over to Ikea figuring there would be something there we could shove some herbs into, surely!

STEP 2: Get side-tracked in Ikea buying other stuff you don’t need, and then stumble across what you actually do need in the lounge-room display.

So Ikea had a Plant Stand in the middle of a fake lounge-room. There were no plants on it, and there was nothing to indicate that it was actually called a plant stand, but there it was all pretty and white. It’s part of the Lantliv series and while it looked nothing like what I originally wanted, it just spoke to me – I think I was having a spiritual moment. So I bought it…along with ten aluminium pots, two tealight holders, 100 tealights, a water canister, pillows, five fur-removers, a water can and some other junk. 

God I love Ikea.

STEP 3: Go BACK to Bunnings to get the herbs and stuff you forgot to grab the first time you were there.

Welcome to the story of my life. While I can be so organised and ‘To Do list’ oriented that I drive everyone insane, at other times I become impulsive and spontaneous to the detriment of my time, money and petrol supplies. This was one of those times.

So we went back to Bunnings and chose enough herbs to fill up the pots we’d bought. BaseballBoy thought I was going to get seeds and grow the things from scratch.

HA!

My herb garden wouldn’t look NEARLY as impressive if I’d covered it in pots filled only with SEEDS. So once again, compromise, and only because they didn’t have some varieties I really wanted. So Oregano, Rosemary and Coriander (aka Cilantro) were seeds. Basil, Parsley, Thyme, and Sage came in small planters (with a couple of basils because I eat HEAPS of basil), and I found a huge Mint plant for only $13, which we’ve decided to grow separately.

The homeless 'Chive' label,
but I didn't want Sage
to have identity issues...

Once we had the plants, I decided that I needed labels and fertiliser. Baseball Boy had already grabbed potting mix, which he insisted was sufficient, but I saw Better Homes and Gardens on TV a few weeks ago and I swear I remember them saying something about fertiliser! So we settled on Manutec’s ‘for Home Grown Herbs’ fertiliser, which was carefully selected by closing my eyes and pointing. Great work Tipsy!

After that I grabbed some white plastic labels, and then spotted some terracotta ones that were so much cooler and only $2 each! So I got one each of the basil, mint, parsley and chive varieties. I didn’t realise until I got home that I actually didn’t buy any chives, but I shoved it in the Sage pot anyway so it wouldn’t feel left out.

STEP 4: Dominate the crap out of that Ikea flatpack.

Me and my Allen Key are long time buddies, so I put him to good use and built my Plant Stand with enthusiasm that remained really high for about the first three minutes.

Then I got bored.

By that point BaseballBoy had taken the pugs for a walk so I couldn’t make him take over. I was struck with the horrible realisation that I had to follow through and finish the damn thing, although I must say I think I did a pretty good job! Even BaseballBoy had to admit that it wasn’t quite as wobbly as other things I’ve tackled in the past. He tightened up all the screws once I was done, and proceeded to freak out when I tried to drill holes in the aluminium pots without the right drill-bit on his precious drill. I swear he is such a drama queen sometimes.

STEP 5: Drill stuff.

So the first photo is me pre-posing my attempt to drill the hole before I was intercepted by Mr I’m-A-Cabinet-Maker-and-Know-How-to-Use-a-Drill-Better-Than-You. 

The second photo is him, using the ‘proper’ drill-bit (I mean seriously, how the hell was I supposed to know there were different drill-bits!) and drilling drainage holes into each pot, because according to Better Homes and Gardens herbs don’t like to ‘have wet feet.’ I decided that translated into needing proper drainage and hence the genius idea to drill stuff.

STEP 6: Put the pots into the Plant Stand and then realise they still won’t have proper drainage.

I need to giveBaseballBoy credit for this one. He pointed out that even if the water drained through the holes, it’d hit the flat, level surface and not move. I wanted to just move the plant stand onto an angle and let it flow off the surface but my suggestion was ridiculed. So I toyed with the idea of giving up, and then said maybe we could mount the pots on something? BaseballBoy liked this better and went to retrieve some stakes that he just ‘happened to have lying around’ (I know better than most that he is always prepared for a vampire invasion). So he laid the stakes down, balanced the pots on them and we agreed it would do until he could bring back some thinner, nicely painted-white pieces of mounting wood from work – oh and for the record I just made up the term ‘mounting wood.’

 

STEP 7: Have a break

Seriously, this was hard work! A cup of tea and some shortbread was well overdue.

STEP 8: Put dirt and stuff in the pots.

Parsley

So this was a team effort. I took the herbs out of their planters, loosened the dirt around the roots, and shoved them into the pots while BaseballBoy packed them in with fresh potting mix. Once he was finished I then sprinkled some fertiliser – you know, cause Better Homes and Gardens said so. Once that was done I took a photo and moved it out of the way. We were moving like a well oiled machine.

Freaky seed sheets.

After that we did the seeds. Did you know some seeds come in these freaky sheets now? I don’t know how they work but we followed the instructions and hope soon that something will grow (no idea how long it’ll take, if anyone could let me know that would be great so if I’m still staring at a pot of dirt in six months time I know something has gone wrong).

STEP 9: Put the pots on the plant stand, give them a good water, decorate with watering can, take lots of photos for Instagram and post on Facebook for widespread ‘friend approval.’

Then just check out the final product. Martha Stewart – watch your back!

The final product!

Wanna do this yourself? Okay, go and buy

• Ikea Lantliv Plant Stand, AUS $79
• 10 x Socker Plant Pots, AUS $2.99 – please note they will need drain holes drilled into them, so if you don’t have a drill buy some different pots of a similar size.
• 10 pre-grown herb plants or seeds of your choice
• Potting mix
• Herb fertiliser (Manutec costs AUS $3.49 at Bunnings)
• Herb labels– plastic ones are $3.00 a packet at Bunnings or terracotta ones for $2.00 each
• Wooden stakes to raise the pots off the surface of the Plant Stands (although I don’t like these and will be replacing them with Mounting Wood).
• If you like the Watering Can, it’s available here 

So I hope you enjoyed the first episode of the Martha Stewart Watch Your Back series. I'm pretty sure the next one will involve what happens when I attempt to fix the washing machine unsupervised... stay tuned!

Signing Off,

Tripping Tipsy